These past few weeks, rather awesome. Awesome, not because I don’t want to say that it was really hectic and I felt I needed a lot of things but did not get them. Awesome because it was another time God showed me how much of a stupid fellow I can be. He is indeed The Only Wise God.
So, preparing for exams has been a really tough one. Law school is really about cramming in the end, because you are going to be examined on so many things that you really will not need to memorise when you begin practising the law. You forget those things, you fail. Simple as that. That is one thing on your mind, and then you are broke, to top it all. Your wardrobe sucks and you just cannot make a headway or breakthrough in anything.
And then this slideshow of your life just plays before you and you realise you are nothing. You are nowhere. You are a nobody. You, maybe. But not me.
This time I got up and started yelling at God (or at the ceiling) and telling Him how it was unfair that as a Christiam, I should suffer or face any hiccups in my modus operandi. I questioned why it seemed He was not making anything favourable happen, and I was living below my own expectations. I cried for an explanation, why people who were not even so dedicated and committed were in more comfprtable positions than myself. Is it not just unfair that I have to face difficult situations and I claim to have a God who was the God of all comforts?
Sucks. Really does.
It was not the kind of response I was expecting, the response I got. I felt God would have compassion and just do the genie thing: make things happen! And everything would be fine and I would just smile to the bank and wherever else I needed to smile to.
No. No genie story this time at all.
In my mind, I just began to question my commitment to the relationship I had with God. I always relied on the fact that He would always be faithful and so I felt like there was no real point examining the relationship to be sure I was playing my part. I think in the paradigm I grew up in, Christians always should get everything from a God who loves them and had done everything for them. Everything.
But in reality, not only is that view warped and senseless, it is extremely unscriptural. While God’s love is unending, it requires not only a commitment to a lifestyle that honours Him and glorifies, but also a growth in the direction of the fullness of Christ. Christ being our standard, we are tomove in that direction, and not a stagnant dependency on God to always be the working partner while we remain the dormant partner.
In our relationship with Christ, it occurred to me that most of the time, we are relaxed, expecting everything from Him, giving nothing. That is more like treating God like a dumbbell. Or like an ATM. Or like an idiotic lover with no need for love. Or…Or…Whatever.
Thing is, God put it to me this past few weeks; do you really think that your commitment to this relationship entitles you to question me or to receive any thing from me by right? And I was shocked.
And I then had to take the introspection test. Could I boldly declare that there was nohing against me? Could I boldly say that I had not taken God for granted? Could I boldly say that I had tried my best not to live outside of His Word? Could I boldly declare that my heart was free from any issues that would grievve the Holy Spirit?
Could I boldly, boldly declare, that I had been faithful to God?
Excuses abound. I am flesh. He knows my frame. It is not a day’s journey. He is the one who can help. It is by grace. We are weak.
But I think that is mediocre thinking. Seriously, how many would be in a dating relationship with someone who persistently cheats? Not just that, how happy would you be if the only thing this cheating partner has to say to you is “but you understand baby. I am just human. I have to give in to my flesh. I have to do these things. I know you don’t like them, but I am who I am, aren’t I?“?
That. That is it. That is exactly what we do to God. And we still feel entitled to His hands and miracles and stuff.
Well He is a good God, thankfully. But the part in the Bible that struck me last week was 2 Timothy 2:11-13
…If we die with him, we will also live with him.
If we endure hardship, we will reign with him.
If we deny him, he will deny us.
If we are unfaithful, he remains faithful, for he cannot deny himself.
Jesus Christ is faithful to us to the extent that we are in him. Being in him, we are secure because he will not deny us, or be unfaithful to us. Regardless, when we deny him. He is not obliged not to deny us. He in fact will deny us. Remember thepart about those who claim to know Christ, but were denied in the end because Christ said he did not know them? Kind of like that, really.
Every time we take a step outside of the Word, and live outside his good law for us, we deny him. That is it basically. If we make that a consistent lifestyle, living in contradiction to who he is, we are in denial of who we claim to be. Tell me, how then can we think he should oblige us some things except by his own favour and grace? Should we then bombard him when our consciences are not clear? Please, NO.
In the end, I have resolved to be more careful in this walk. I want to walk circumspect, so in the end I can declare that my conscience is clear (at least to an extent) in my lifestyle.
But in this relationship, I know without a doubt that I have no claim to anything, because I am the unfaithful one.