I can’t explain it.
I really can’t say I enjoyed today and I cannot say I did not enjoy today.
I had a rather long and rambling class and I struggled throughout, trying not to fall asleep. But then I had a really nice time during the first break discussing with my assistant, Bolanle, about some issues and how the Holy Spirit is helping us to work out salvation and retreat from bitterness.
Plus there’s that one girl I sort of have a crush on. And her aura is still just pungent. I don’t know why it won’t go, really. Oh well…
Second break, and I scoot over to the other side of class to disturb a few of my friends. Ashiata, Winnie, Joel, Minika, Victor…poof. Good company, those guys. Even Laide came over to spank me a few times before stealing off with my laptop. Of course I settled down there and after reading Pius-Imue’s piece that ordinarily should land him in jail (I told him that) and listening to the course of his story, I just had to gist with Chichi.
I discovered she speaks Korean, and please my mouth was just ajar for quite a while. How can someone be so talented, making nice designs herself and doing good music, have a pretty face and a nice accent, and then speak Korean?! Jeez.
At the end, lying on my bed before drifting off to sleep, I wondered what exactly will God have me do in the midst of these wonderful people. How will I affect my awesome friend Joel, and the members of my Bible study team? How will my assistant, Bolanle, remember me? What about Chichi, my nemesis, whose sole “purpose” is to frustrate me? Will I make a lasting impression on her? Will Minika miss me when this is over? Will Winnie have a good laugh when she remembers me?
What about Bolanle and Yewande? They look out for me always. Am I going to remain in their lives and thoughts after here?
And on and on and on…
I realise this is not me talking or thinking in fear. This is me really wanting to be the best for my friends and ensuring they can see me as a huge shoulder when they need to lean on one. I want to love them more than I do now and help them in every way that I can.
I realise that God has worked out all these meetings to ensure we all meet here at this time, to build one another in the faith and in tackling the unfriendliness of this world. I want to be the one they can confess to in full assurance that they will receive all the help in restoration, and no condemnation. I want to be a strength for them in their weakness.
And I don’t want to be all these alone. I want them to be all of these to me. And even more.
I have been a lone ranger all of my life. I even earned myself an alias, “Solo”, during my Boy’s Brigade days. I have never ever found comfort in trusting people with my weaknesses, and I definitely never shared my strengths. Over time I realised how killing it can be to be a loner.
I was exclaiming today how being single is thrilling. Is that really true? I think when we find a God-fearing and God-loving partner, we will never miss our single days!
Okay, maybe just a little.
But now that we are single, we have our brothers and sisters. In my case, there are far more sisters than brothers. However, I don’t mind. Of course I don’t mind. Blessed am I among women.
I decided today to no longer live on my own. I will be a blessing but I must not shy away from being blessed. I am only as strong as the number of people who have me covered. While I am part of the covering for them, I must also submit to covering.
That’s how we can make impact. Giving and receiving love from one another is what God has called us into, and that’s the only thing anyone can remember any other person for.
Love, that is the only bond of perfection. Nothing else can bind people together forever.
Lord, help me to love more and more. And help me to give up this lone ranger lifestyle totally.
NB: I seem pretty scattered in my thoughts today. The struggle is real o, but just manage to rearrange the post in your head and make sense of it. Thank you.