I realised the importance of March when I remembered that in the same month 4 years ago, God began a great work of transformation in my life. I remembered the period well now, how God took away everything and then reduced me to nothing just to realise how much I needed Him. I lost everything I could ever have relied on at that period and I was schooled in trusting God. It was the month, four years ago that I gave Him permission to enter into my life. No regrets.
And God was not hesitant in teaching me vital lessons this March again. Because I needed to be taught. Because I needed humbling. Because I must enter into The Image. Because I must not tarry in a place of likeness alone without growing into The Image. Because God has promised me His Image as an inheritance.
I was already on a rugged frolic of my own again with terrible lows in my faith walk in recent times. I nearly became a regular guy again! And I ran on flesh. In fact I could not get enough of flesh. Sad.
So he taught me that flesh is lust and self is flesh. That the greatest fall is not into the big sins but into self. And to live in self and for self is lust and a negation of that to which I have been called to partake of. A negation of love. Love is what I should eat. Not flesh.
God is not easy in discipline and the hard part is in acceptance. Because lust kicks in with pride to make you believe you are doing nothing wrong. But His mercy brings humility to teach acceptance of God and His discipline.
I’m sorry I’m writing this way. I cannot explain it myself. I have been away from The Way, believing in my heart I was walking the way. The devil is powerful in delusions my friends. Powerful. Never underestimate him.
But thank God for mercy. Thank God for grace to be disciplined and to accept discipline.
God would not even allow me speak in an untoward manner to or about a person. My criticism of President Jonathan was just short of insults in recent times. I always blamed it on the very bad returns Nigerians get for voting in elections. The corruption. The lies. The manipulations. Tiring.
But after one session, God literally sat me down and warned me about being critical. About being judgmental especially when it was very much possible for me to fail in the same circumstances. About Jonathan being His son, not mine. About not living conscious of the love God has for everyone.
I mean, I broke down and apologised. Mr Jonathan, I’m sorry for every time I was angry with you over your failings. For every time I failed to pray for you and commend you to God. For every time I hated you and disrespected you. For every time I disregarded you as the leader of this nation Nigeria. For every time I failed to separate your failings from your person. God loves you Mr. President, and I am in tow.
God is at work.
I apologise to every other person who might have been offended by my actions. I can be really caring and affectionate, but my sarcasm sometimes is really heart wrenching. I apologise for the sensitive jokes too and the extremely too logical explanations to people that are in reality, subtle insults. Phew. They make the recipient feel foolish. That is totally not Christian.
Dare, Tosin, Yinka and the short Tosin, I’m sorry. Every other person, I’m sorry.
I have abandoned ministry too. Sometimes, out of modesty, I feel like I have no business in ministry. Other times, I fail to act because I’m expecting God to take me up in a vision or something and tell me what to do. And other times I just work. I worked so much, when short Tosin heard yesterday that I was not doing anything, she could not believe it.
I have abandoned ministry. I am sorry God. I really am. For never taking initiative. For running away, in what I now know to be false humility, from my Christian profession.
I am sorry God.
I cannot even go on. But I will not give up. I will be relentless.
It will be hard. But I have this to say:
I am a fool. Not because I do not know God but because I know Him. I resolve to live the foolish walk of faith. I neglect the flesh and I walk in the mercy of the gracious God. I resolve to live the fasted lifestyle with greater focus on responding rightly, in love, to the love of God. I walk, into the revelations of the Bridegroom King and Judge.
I put behind me all my failings and look ahead. Like Paul, I will gaze upon the greater glory, waste my life upon the mysteries of God and press on into The Image.
May I live always in fear and trembling before my God and in the love of my Adonai. I will enter and be conformed into Christ. By His promises and mercy, I will come into Him.
This is where I stand.
I am a Christian.
This Fool’s Day, 2015.